Fing Seagulls
by MomofPhoenix
Summary: Based on a true article I read about someone in the UK. This one is all about Morelli. Babe in the background if you tilt your head and squint. Rating for language and a slightly suggestive theme/dream sequence


A/N not mine, I own nothing but the plot.

***Note, this is very Morelli heavy. I'm not very nice to him, but as soon as I read the article that this story is based on, well, Joe needs it to happen. This is based on a true story out of the UK that I read. I laughed so hard reading it I cried. So, swallow that sip of water or bite of food. Remove all liquids from any area near your electronics, and let's read. BTW, it's a Babe if you squint.

F***ing Seagulls

It was one of the last warm days of summer. You could smell the beginning of fall in the air. He knew that the leaves would soon begin to turn their brilliant hues and fall to the lawn with a gentle breeze. He finally felt as though all was going to be right in his little corner of the Burg. It was his first day off since spring. There had been a rash of gang violence that had kept him busy from the moment that he and Cupcake had their last fight back in May. Apparently she and Manoso had been seen having dinner, dancing, vacations, and even at her parents home. All he could do was pity the poor bastard.

He chuckled and shook his head as he thought, _"well at least the bastard is rich. He'll be able to keep a steady stock of reflux meds on hand."_

He gathered up a cooler of beer, a towel, and his sunglasses in preparation for laying out in the sun. He wanted to have a good all over base tan before his vacation to the Bahamas in two weeks and this was his first opportunity to be able to get outside that wasn't work related. Today he was grateful for spending the extra money to have a privacy fence put up, because it was _all about _being in the buff at the resort he was heading to and he wanted to make sure his more sensitive areas were not going to burn. He even made the effort to get up a little early and manscape this morning. He even put a little extra effort in since he knew Terri would be over later.

Once he had everything set up and a beer cracked open, he stripped down to his birthday suit and grinned like a naughty school boy. He slathered on some spf 15 to provide at least some minimal protection from the sun and flopped down in his lawn chair. He spread his legs out wide so that the boys had maximum exposure. The game was playing on the radio he had set up in his kitchen window and just relaxed. He sipped his beer and war soothed by the sounds of the Yankees playing ball. Life was good.

After about an hour he knew it was time to flip himself over like a pancake. He reapplied that spf 15 to his boys and his backside and settled his with his fourth beer. His Yankees were winning, the birds were singing, and the sun was shining. He once again had his legs spread for optimal sun exposure. He began to feel himself drift off to sleep.

He began to dream that Terri was there and his boys had found heaven in her mouth. Her hair was soft and tickling his thighs from behind. He couldn't stop the moan coming from his mouth as he began to wake up.

"Mmmm, sweetheart, you have a mouth made for sin. I like this wake up call," he groaned out without opening his eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about, Joey?" he heard from Terri. He realized that her voice was no where near his boys and startled at the sound.

As he was turning over he felt the most intense pain of his life. He let out a blood curdeling scream Terri began to scream at the same time. When he flipped himself over, that's when he saw it. A fucking seagull and it had something bloody in it's mouth. He looked down at his boys and began to scream again. He knew what that fucking seagull had in it's mouth. He was covered in blood and it looked like one of his boys were missing. He passed out quickly at that point.

He started to come to when the EMS arrived. Terri had the frame of mind to at least call for help. Unfortunately, that also meant that half the force, his Mother, and Grandma Bella had also arrived. An officer in distress call is never taken lightly. What did surprise him was the fact that one of those damn thugs from Rangeman had shown up as the medic on duty. Apparently, he had to keep his hour current with the local emergency personnel and with the shortage they happily accepted him on board two weekends a month.

"Detective Morelli, can you please tell me what happened?" the man asked in a professional manner.

Joe quietly stuttered out something about nude sunbathing and fucking seagulls. He was in so much bath pain that he didn't even notice the camera he was wearing for training purposes. He never even noticed the smirk the man was barely containing.

"Detective Morelli, I'm inserting and IV and I need to know if you're allergic to any medications or have any medical conditions that we need to be aware of," the built man asked.

"I have no allergies and I'm pretty sure that the fucking seagull eating one of my balls is something you should already be aware of," Morelli yelled.

"I'm just doing my job, Morelli. If I haven't already told you, I'm Bobby. Right now I'm going to give you some morphine for the pain and we'll get you to St. Francis as quickly as possible. The bleeding hasn't slowed down and I'm sure they'll take you into to surgery quickly. I can't promise that nothing else has been damaged, but that's for the urologist to decide. I'm guessing that since a seagull ate it and there are no seagulls here, it has already flown off."

Joe tried to glare at the man but the morphine was already sending him off to lala land. Just as he was slipping off he heard, "wellll, here come Joey with his pecker in his hand. He's a one balled man and he's off the the rodeo..." coming from a voice that sounded an awful lot like Cupcakes.

A/N; I hope you enjoyed this one!


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